|[This is an old old old review that I wrote right after returning the game, back in the day, so take with an even larger than usual grain of salt.]|
Woo! Got my 18 Wheeler! Good thing that second store I went to wasn't sold out. It's kinda late here, I'll just load 'er up and poke around for a few minutes before hittin' the sack.
Ooo big trucks in the intro. Vroom! Big country. Kinda low-res textures there but hey, it's just the intro. Yah! I'm pumped, let's start! Hey nice heavy metal main menu. This is gonna be good. Arcade mode! Whee! Pick a trucker. Hmm five choices. Do I want the slow powerful guy? Nahh... Go for the fast chick, I always end up picking the babe anyway. That's right, baby, let's ride!
Okay I'm starting my truck. Slowly... up... the ramp. Hey an expressway! Let's rip into high gear. Hey my boss is telling me to be a professional over the CB. Okay okay. Cool my hat slides across the dash when I turn, nice detail! Hmm okay so all the interface art seems to be low-res, odd. Guess it must have been that way in the arcade... Jaggies on the road too. Oh well it ain't about looks, is it? I'm in a big rig! Rawrr! Take THAT puny sedan! Hehe. Hey that other semi just burned past like I was standing still. My rival, eh? Well just you wait until I work up enough speed to shift into high gear, you-- What? Time running out? But I've been playing for what, 30 seconds? Time's up?!? Son of a--!
Calm. Breathe... hooo-kay. I see how it is, I gotta go straight for the finish, no dilly-dallying. Nuts, I wanted to smash stuff. Okay well I bet I'll get to do that later. Let's just get through this first part. Yeah yeah boss, real professional, I got it. Rival blows by me again. THIS time I'll just ignore him and stay straight on 'til morning. No sweat. Yeah, we're cruisin' now. Hurry up? But-- Time up? Ahhh dangit. Okay I didn't take those corners as well as I could have. We'll get it this time...
[repeat 10 times]
Gah! Real professional, yeah blow it out yer ears, boss. And that same darn music on the radio, there goes the rival blowing by me... Okay wait wait, I clearly suck at racing games. Let's just start over on Easy and learn the ropes. I wanna at least see stage two before bed.
[2 minutes later]
Woohoo stage two! Hmm that ''parking challenge'' after stage one was kind of lame, just driving around that corner and braking. They must get a little more intricate later I guess. Hey wow I'm in Florida all ready. Well okay but now we gotta to west across the country, I bet the stages get a lot longer. Let's do this!
[30 minutes later]
Man that last stage was a pain, couldn't seem to get up to full speed without drafting behind other semis. You know, that tornado thing a couple stages back might have been neat if it had actually thrown me off-course or something. I wonder if they really intended people to take the ''short-cut'' route in these stages, they don't seem worth while as far as I can see. All-righty we should have another parking challenge here. These are kind of piddly, that last reverse parking one caught me off guard though... sure wish it hadn't ''failed'' me with 10 seconds left on the clock, didn't give me a second try, either. Well this time I'm gonna concentrate and--what? Game over? Credits rolling? Uh.
This is a joke, right? I mean it took me half an hour 'cause I stink at racing games but the actual racing time across country was... wait, factor in four parking challenges... 10 minutes? 10 minutes??? I mean sure it was kind of neat the few times I got up to a full head of steam and plowed right through things because there's no time to waste taking corners but man, gimme a break here. Hmm there are a couple other minigame type options on the main menu... ahh forget it. Those 10 minutes weren't fun enough to make me want more anyway.
Hey, look on the bright side: you completed the game and the store's return policy let's you take it right back tomorrow. Everybody wins!