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Downhill Domination
  opened by paleface at 04:23:05 04/20/04  
  paleface [sys=PS2; cat=Sports; loc=NA]
I wouldn't have thought I'd ever take a dislike to a game with "Domination" in the title, but then again I never thought I'd ever play a game in which you pointlessly throw beverage cans at elk. Now I've done both! Get ready for some serious castigation.
This game sucks. Let me amend that: when I played it, it sucked. Maybe when other people play it, something else happens, I can't really say. And it's not like I gave it a fair shake: I played one track, multiplayer, once. It proved, however, a memorable experience.
Memorably sucky! Let me count the ways. Well, you pick a character who inevitably has something sassy and indescribably boneheaded to say, in a horrible voice that manages to convey both boredom and irritation in full measure. I wanted to kick their teeth in, figuratively speaking. I settled for picking the girl with the largest boobs.
And downhill we plunged! On our bikes, our hogs, our pedalled steeds of destruction. You have jet boosts and projectiles and all sorts of things that don't come standard on regular BMX bikes, and you can take 500 foot plunges in style--well actually no you can't, because your character inevitably yells something stupid in the middle of it. You can also try to do "tricks" while falling, like standing on your handlebars or some such nonsense. I can't say I've ever really understood that aspect of things in "extreme" sports games. Why am I to stand on my handlebars? How is this fun?
It isn't. And fittingly enough neither is this game! My opponent, at least, seemed to get some satisfaction out of running down deer and throwing the aforesaid empty beverage cans at the aforesaid elk as he bounded over the ridiculous and seemingly endless curves of the mountainside. I didn't have any cans. I tried kicking a moose or something once, but I missed. It seemed for the best.
Meanwhile I was going downhill too, though sometimes in a slightly different way. The game threw a few curves in the form of horrendous clefts or barriers that you have no real chance to dodge if you don't know they're coming. Ha-ha!
But you know, I don't mind losing a race. I do mind, however, losing precious gaming time enduring something like this. After uncounted hills were jumped, thousands of stupid sayings screamed at the top of digitized lungs, and several herds of elk terrorized, we reached the bottom--in several ways. Not only did the race end, it ended with an impressive display of slowdown (there had been several fairly good ones before, but this one brought things to a standstill) followed by the cheering sight of the victor standing in his stirrups and clipping right through his bike as the camera zoomed in on it, as if to say "Hey look! Clipping! Let's get a close-up!"
No doubt I am not extreme enough to appreciate such things--I leave them to better men.

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